So, I've been avoiding posting a message because I felt I didn't have much to say. My transition has felt a little dry and empty. I haven't been emotional, weepy or anything. Sometimes it bothers me and I feel like I'm calloused to what I experienced. I havne't had thoughts of Uganda running through my mind like some of you have mentioned. I think I put those thoughts on a back burner til "later", but I'm not sure when "later" will be for me.
I have been blessed, though, with people in my life genuinely interested in my trip and my experience. About a week after we got back I was doing chair massage at this Christian company where I used to work and so many people asked me about my trip. They were so sincere in their interest, but after going into more detail with a few, I got worn out and began to give simpler answers, which felt so shallow to me, but was the best I could do. I haven't been annoyed at the question, "How was your trip", but have felt more at a loss for how best to explain it. Words just fail me sometimes in trying to explain what happened and I end up resorting to cliche statements, like, "it was amazing and transforming" - but what does that really mean for me? I'm not sure yet that I have a clear answer to that question. Hopefully, it's still evolving and being revealed.
One thing I have felt soon after going back to work was a sense of discontentment. Usually I have a fairly high level of satisfaction with my work and how I'm contributing in the world, but I've felt like just giving a massage is somehow "not enough". It seemed like a temporary fix on a more superficial level, when really I want to be digging deeper and help people heal and transform their lives. Helping people relax is great and valuable, but I want something more... I'm just not sure how to go about doing that,
I've also felt a little bit lost coming home. Even before Africa I've been wrestling with staying in San Diego or moving somewhere else and those thoughts came back but in full force. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a cave for a few weeks and not come out. I just wanted to flee to anywhere but here. The introvert in me just wanted to shut out the world for a time so I could process, reflect, and figure things out, but daily life demands are such that I can't just do that right now. So, my spirit feels a little crushed by the routines of life.
Nancy (mom), I'm praying for you and the decisons you have to make about Africa in your future. I'm missing you and your sweet, encouraging spirit. I wish I could run to the warmth and safety of your embrace. Also, I have a Doula client that should be giving birth any day now. I'll let you know how that goes. Jon, I'm thrilled with the outcome of your time with Miriam. You did the right thing and sought her out!! Any new updates? Sonja, how are you? How was the rest of your trip? Aaron and Autumn, how did you presentation go at church? Greg, we should get together sometime. I still need to give you my pictures, which I've been lazy about doing - sorry!
Well, I miss you all and hope you're doing well. Have a fabulous week!
Camille
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Dearest Camille:
Hello, Sweetie! So much of what you've been feeling is familiar to me - don't be discouraged that you are "processing" things your own way, and it may be a little different from some of us. I can especially relate to your feelings of discontentment. It's good to know that God understands us better than we do ourselves, and will be faithful to lead us in His will, and that He does all things well!
Thank you for your kind words. I miss you, too, but I feel that I still keep in touch with you because I think of you and our group so often, and pray for you. Thank you, too, for our talks when we were in Uganda- you were a blessing to me, and it was a privilege to share with you. Thank you, too, for your prayers for direction for my future in Africa. I appreciate them so much.
I send you my love and the warmest, biggest bear hug I can fit in this e-mail! Don't forget that you have an open invitation for a New England vacation! I know a few lobsters with your name on them! Much love to you, my "daughter"! - Nancy
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